The Knots We Weave

How to untie a knot

“I must get myself a pair of gumboots, “ he mutters to himself, “Gumboots issued by the  government.”

 These gumboots will apparently protect the man’s legs from being hacked by his wife if he happens to cross her the wrong way by, for example, beating her for neglecting the children or for refusing to attend to her marital duties or even, for burning his food. Where was she when the food was on the stove? Talking again with Mama B, the gossip two gates down the road? Just thinking of it and of a possible meal that she will burn in the future makes him want to give her another beating.  He still wonders if the gumboots will come with shin guards. And how will he protect the other vulnerable parts of his body?

Didn’t he hear one day last year on the BBC World News that a mzungu out there chopped off her husband’s genitalia?  The poor man was drugged and tied to the marital bed. He woke up all groggy and just in time to see his wife cutting off his you-know-what. The shameless wife threw the family jewels away with the trash. Ah! The idea in itself is just so painful. The man does not want to think about it, let alone speak about it, in case it gives his wife a few rotten ideas. Hmmm, that already warrants another beating.

I. Do not cut the knot

February 2012:

The man’s income feeds fifteen people, educates nine of them in the extended family. If anything happens to him, there will be no-one else to feed and education the family. He knows that it is not good to beat the mother of his children, but sometimes, he has no other alternative.

Sometimes, Mama Watoto talks back. This undermines him as the head of the home. She argues with him complaining that he spends way too much time away from home at the local bar. She does not seem to understand that a man needs to meet with his friends in an exclusively male environment. She has her chama, the women’s group, and the Mother’s Union, doesn’t she? He does not complain the many Sundays and the few evenings here and there when she is away at a meeting, does he? The children have been suspended from school again, she will nag. Does she think money grows on trees?

It is true that sometimes, I forget and spend more money than I should at the local bar. You have to buy a few rounds otherwise your friends will think ala! He is a henpecked husband, the wife controls the purse strings. I do not want to be any different from the other men. But I am a good man. I try to take care of my family. Has anyone ever found me lying in a ditch dead drunk because I was not able to find my way home? Have the children ever gone to bed hungry because I like my beer?  

II. Inspect the knot. Most tight knots have a loose section that will relax the   whole knot.  If necessary, use a magnifying glass if you cannot see the knot well.

June 2013:

You know what she did the other day?  She looked at me in an odd way as if I was disgracing her. She made me feel ashamed. I had forgotten that her parents were coming to visit us and had taken a few hours off to go have a few beers with my friends. I was only a bit drunk.  If her parents had not been there, I surely would have beaten her for giving me that Look. It is not because she is a headmistress with the necessary certificates that she can look at me like that.  It also bothered me that her parents looked at me with displeasure. It is true that I would have preferred greeting them in a sober state, but what sane Kenyan man leaves a bar in a sober state? We are not Fanta-drinkers.

Her parents seem to know that I beat their daughter. At least, that is what I think. Her mother gives me the Look (like mother, like daughter) when she thinks I am not looking, like she knows something that she shouldn’t. I know she does not like me and that she would have preferred that her daughter marry a man with a white-collar job. Well, her daughter didn’t, did she? She must have found something good in me to defy her mother’s wishes. Good for her!

My wife tells me that her father never beat her mother. I wonder why. My mother was beaten, as was my mother’s mother and my grandmother’s mother. That is how it always has been in my family.

I wonder why my father-in-law never beats my wife’s mother. I wonder what he does when his wife gives him the Look. He does not look henpecked and he does not drink Fanta either. And my mother-in-law does not look perfect.

III. Create as much slack as possible around the knot by twisting the two ends of the knot this way and that.  

May 2015:

There is one thing that all farmers the world over cannot control: the weather. El Nino one year, La Nina the next. I decided to invest in an irrigation scheme. This set us back a bit; I was unable to pay for the children’s school fees and my wife accused me of drinking the school fees money. Women! Could she not see that I was trying to help the whole family? I am a decent farmer, earning an honest and honourable living. I doubt that a white-collar husband would have been able to provide what I have provided for my wife.

Mama Watoto is a very stubborn woman. I have asked her countless times to join me in running our farm. Why pay an overseer when we could be working together? We would be able to save a lot on supervision costs. She always refuses which makes me so angry and that results in my wanting to beat her.

You know what she told me the last time I was forced to beat her? That farming was not her calling. Calling, calling, do you have to be called to be a farmer? Who calls you anyway? That meant that she did not respect me, not only as her husband and as the head of this household, but also as a farmer. Another time I beat her because she said that her mother had warned her against marrying a farmer. Who does she think feeds the family? And feeds the nation, eh? Farmers like me, that’s who.

Even so, I will give credit where due: despite her stubbornness, my wife is a good woman. She is very hardworking and has never put me to shame outside the home. She contributes to the family income, raises chickens and sells the eggs to the other wamama at her chama and to her colleagues in school. She is very respected in our community. People look at us and tell us that we have a good marriage. We are a fine example to the community, even though I do not go to church, which, I think, is for women and children.

One of the reasons why I married her is because she did not laugh when I opened my mouth to speak to her for the very first time.  Even though she went to a teachers' training college, she did not look down on me. Even today, she does not seem to notice my stuttering and does not interrupt me when I am talking.

I had a very hard time in school. I hardly had any friends and my classmates were very unkind; they used to tease me because of my handicap. The mathematics teacher would punish me because I was not quick enough when reciting the multiplication table.  The only time I stop stuttering is after I have had a few beers.

I do not like it when others finish my sentences for me as if I am slow and stupid; or when they get impatient listening to me, lose interest and their eyes start to wander. And they think I do not notice it. I may not have completed my high school education and gone to university but I am not stupid. I own and run a farm, even though it is small-scale farming. We export our produce to Europe, I am not stupid.

IV. Insert a knot pick or an awl into the loosest part of the knot. The kind of picking tool to use will depend on the size of the knot. Work the tool back and forth. Check for loosening. Feed loose rope into the knot as you go along. Repeat as necessary.

September 2016:

We have been expanding and growing for the past three years, the reason why I would have liked my wife to work with me on the farm. I found a bank that gives us a good line of credit. Training courses have taught us how to use less pesticides for better crop treatment and we have learnt how to examine our plants for diseases. We are also learning about food safety and trying to better our labourers’ working conditions. You would be surprised at how our yields have improved and increased.

Europe has set very high standards for all their imported horticultural produce. This reassures the consumer. We are expected to practice good farming methods. The European market also expects us to keep business records going back three years. If then there is a problem, it will be easy to trace the origin of the problem and solve it.  This is what good farming is all about.

February 2017:

I want this farm to be certified which means that we have also gone back to crop rotation in order to improve the quality of the soil. The farmer has to respect specific farming operations procedures. We were audited a few months ago and are now waiting for the outcome of the audit. I believe that we have done all that is required of us and it is with pride that I say that we were ready for the audit.

April 2017:

We are now certified as a farm that has put into use good agricultural practices. And every year we will be ready for the audit.

My wife said that the audit was a very good and positive thing for us. She compared the audit to end-of-year examinations. Because we had worked well, we had gotten good results and a certificate to prove that we had done well. I almost expected her to say, “Very good work, keep it up!” when she was done talking.

We will now have to continue making progress every year to maintain the good farming practices.  I am confident that we will be able to do so.

V. Work carefully with the knot pick or awl to avoid damaging the rope.

April 2017:

When I told my beer-drinking friends about the audit and what my wife had said, they said that people do not know a good thing until they lose it. What did they mean by that? They meant that I had a very good, supportive wife. She should have left me a long time ago.  Has my wife ever insulted me, been rude to me? They asked me. Has she ever talked badly about me to other women behind my back? I had to say no. The funny thing is that some of these men also beat their wives, but they did not understand why I beat mine, even though, lately, I have been beating her less and less.

Needless to say, this got me thinking as to why I beat my wife. I beat her when I am drunk, never when I am sober, even when she annoys me. I wait until I have had a few beers which seems to give me the courage to beat her for whatever she said or did that annoyed me. I do not know why my wife has not left me. I know that her family would take her back with open arms.

I do not know what I would do if she were to leave.

VI. A line, a string or a rope will carry the memory of where a knot has been. The knot, however, does not define the rope, but shapes it.

January 2018:

I heard the other day in the news that a man killed his wife unintentionally in a fit of anger: he beat her to death. Accidentally. The couple had two children, one of whom was in primary school and the older one in secondary school. What will become of the children?

It made me wonder again what I would do if that were to happen to me (I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few months). What would happen to our children? What would happen to the extended family and the farm I have worked so hard on? Even if I were not to kill my wife, but ended up in prison, our lives would be destroyed. Where would that leave our children?

November 2018:

I have not beaten my wife for quite a long while now. I go to the bar less often because of the amount of work on the farm; we have bought more land. We have set high standards for ourselves to maintain, I tell my beer-drinking friends because I do not want them to think that I am a henpecked husband who has lost his rights.

I do not know if I have stopped beating my wife. My father-in-law does not beat his wife. How does he do it?

(Weaving alongside Phyllis Muthoni The Words We Use;

Richly inspired by Rachel Gichinga, Njoki Ngumi, Crystal Simeoni)